Everything I Know I Learned in Grad School

1. The snooze button can indeed be pushed any number of times with relatively minor consequences, or at least consequences that can be negotiated in such a way that the results outweigh the consequences in the first few dreary moments of interrupted sleep. Who needs a long hot shower? In fact, who needs a shower at all? Blow drying your hair is overrated. Make-up? Optional. I ate a late dinner last night. I don't really need breakfast this morning. Class never starts on time anyway...
2. What can be done today can also be done tomorrow. Or not at all in some cases.
3. In all reality, you're actually usually doing "it" at the precise moment you are telling yourself you can't.
4. The fece draft is always going to be going in the wrong direction, undergo several changes of topic, or is just going to need to be re-written all together, so you might as well not write one at all.
5. Anything can be turned into a joke really. Nobody else may find it funny at all, but you will. Pedunculated fruit snacks. What did one saw tooth wave say to the other....aaaaaaaaaahhh. Mongolian throat singing. You don't even know what I'm talking about. I'm cracking up over here.
6. There is no problem too large that a little nap can't fix. Or a long one. Or antidepressants.
7. Complaining may never have gotten anybody anywhere, but it sure can be validating.
8. If you expect the unexpected, than it's no surprise, and you won't be nearly as Hulk-like angry when everything goes ka-put.
9. Time is not money. Time is sanity.
10. If by "zombie apocalypse" you mean a cohort of insane, sleep deprived, stressed, personality stripped, friendless, socially awkward grad students, then yes, prepare yourself for zombies.
11. The movie I, Robot is totally unrealistic. Robots or any other technology will never run the world because, despite what you may think, they will never work out "the last" hiccup.
12. It doesn't matter what your mom says. You can indeed live on cereal. Well, she might be a little right. Sometimes you do run out of milk.
13. 85% of success is just showing up.
14. Online shopping may not necessarily be cheaper than therapy, but it frees up that time.
15. Wherever you go, wherever you are, always, always, always find the super genius computer savvy guru guy and make friends. I guarantee you, He'll come in handy. See #11.
16. It doesn't matter how close in proximity you are, cars exist for a reason.
17. I don't care how important the words "continuum" or "multifactorial" are, or what meaning they carry in whatever contexts. It's all just semantics anyway.
18. A little trashy TV watched in all secrecy can go a long way...cough, cough...bachelor/bachelorette...what?
19. When all else fails, hard candies will keep you awake...some of the time.
20. Don't be so hard on yourself, put out fires where you can, and give credit where credit is due. (Should that be 3 bullets? Eh, whatever.)
21. Just because somebody is the most genius person that has walked the face of the planet since Einstein doesn't mean she is going to make any sense to you. In fact, quite the opposite. In my diligent research (See #1, 2, 4, 6, 7, 8, 11, 19) I have found that the level of genius and the level of saliency and clarity are not as direct as one might think. In fact, they have as indirect of a relationship as you could ever possibly find. Ever.
22. "If a problem can be solved, there's no use worrying about it. If it can't be solved, then worrying will do no good." I may not have actually completely "learned" this yet, but it's a work in progress, and it makes you feel all warm and fuzzy inside. It's okay. Do as I say, not as I do. Whatever. I'm working on it.
23. There is extremely great power in two simple letters. N-O. When combined, they can all but run the world. Well, except for maybe when it comes to professors. Especially the ones of the genius type (see #20). In fact, it kind of means, well, pretty much nothing in such a scenario. The O turns into a 0, which cancels out the N, thus, it carries no meaning. That's when I learn to just smile and nod as though I understand, and still not really do it in the end.
Example: (if there's one thing I've learned, examples always build your case. Don't know the answer? Make up an example, ramble on about it, and make it fit as many principles as possible and you're bound to be at least semi-right somewhere along the line)
Professor: This 67 page long article fits exactly what we're talking about. Have it read by next class period.
Student: I don't see the correlation. I don't even know what we're talking about. Whatever. Just add it to the list.
2 weeks later and only halfway through the list...
Student: still haven't read the article. It's okay. Just don't worry about it. See #13 and #20.
24. You are in charge of your own education. Take control. Be an advocate for yourself.
25. Falling asleep in class, although not encouraged, really doesn't have much in the way of super terrible, horrible, move to Australia type resulting repercussions.
26. Putting one foot in front of the other really can take you quite a distance.
27. "Me time." It's kind of important. If you don't spend time with any given friend, then you gradually start to lose that friendship. Just like any friend, if you don't spend quality time with yourself, you will also gradually start to lose that friendship as well.
28. Not knowing when to use affect versus effect really is okay. If I've made it through a master's program still using them wrong in every paper I write, then I'd say there are bigger things to worry about, such as the affect (also known as emotion), or lack thereof, being demonstrated in so many of the delayed and disabled children of the world, along with their other countless problems, both visible and below the surface, and the help that they are silently pleading for that they are not getting. And world peace.
29. Bob Marley is a genius (but not of the #20 type) and a soothsayer and truth-sayer when he said "every little thing is going to be alright." It's a great theme song for life.
30. Once a perfectionist, always a perfectionist. I can't just leave the list at 29. I've got to have an even 30.

Faded Periphery

Target found. Zeroing in. Everything else fades away. Nothing else matters. Locked in. Nothing can stop you. Nothing will keep you from from that apple of your eye. You hear vague cheers, encouragement, and comments yelled, all mushed together, somewhere in the background. You can't really make it out, but you know it's for you, and you know people are counting on you.  You push hard and give it all you've got as the adrenaline kicks in. You make some super sweet moves, and bask in some pretty perfect successes, and you kind of feel on top of the world. Still locked on that target. No one will get in your way, and those that do find themselves face planted to the ground, crushed as if they were a fly, left in the dust, or better yet, left as dust in a surprised blunder. There is nothing that can be done as that magnetic pull draws you ever more connected. Nothing quite like it.

Sometimes not so much.

Sometimes you lose the target. Completely. Like you can't make anything right, you can't do anything right. Sometimes you get a leetle tired and have to take a leetle bit of a slower pace. You make some pretty dumb mistakes. You feel like a fool. You let people down. You embarrass yourself, and it can really hurt. Literally. Sometimes you fall, flat on your bum, arms and legs flailing. Not really of the graceful type.  You get banged up a bit every time, but sometimes you get really banged up. You might get a little body-checked. Or you might do a little yourself. You might experience a bruised elbow, a bit of a burn, a swollen knuckle, a would be added appendage, a bloody lip, a pinched nerve, a busted nose, I've seen it all, but none of that matters. You have two choices, but one of them isn't an option, so you get up, rub some dirt in it, bandage up, and lock in on that target again, aiming for that adrenaline height, and attempt to make your team proud.

Either way, whether you "have it" or not at any given time, and no matter how beat up you get, you always heal and the enchantment of the game always perseveres. Whether you only bring yourself to the table, or elicit a whole group of cronies to the team, whether you are old or young, fat or small, married or single, hipster, jock, or regular girl like me, come one, come all. This is not for the timid though, so gird up your loins. It's game time.

The Pyramid Scheme

 

 

                                  Peer mentoring of 1st year grad students.              The male species.
                 Slight flooding of my room
                                        School: 9 credit hours in 8 weeks, thesis, clients Monday through Thursday.
                                                                                                                                                                           Vertigo.                                            
 Called to the Relief Society presidency. 
                          Thesis topic changed, yet again. Back to ground 0.

Add just one thing to the mix above, and suddenly, you get this:

                                              Vertigo.
                                       The male species.
                               Slight flooding of my room
                    Called to the Relief Society presidency.
                   Peer mentoring of 1st year grad students.
            Thesis topic changed, yet again. Back to ground 0
 9 credit hours in 8 weeks, thesis, clients Monday through Thursday.
SHOES SHOES SHOES SHOES SHOES SHOES SHOES SHOES SHOES SHOES

*sigh of relaxation* Now that's much more managable.

 

How am I supposed to stand strong without a good pair of shoes on my feet? How is my pyramid supposed to stay sturdy without a good foundation? It won't if I'm not wearing shoes. I'd say shoes are a good foundation. They turn the craziness, the uneasiness, the out of control into the neatness above.

This, my friends, is the most balanced equation (wo)man has ever known:

• 1 pair of wedges + 1 pair of boots + 1 pair of flip flops + 2 pairs of flats + 1 pair of high heals + 1 pair of boat shoes + 1 pair of slippers + 1 pair of rip off Toms + an 8 month span = survival + the illusion of being seemingly put together and in control

"Look at that girl flailing around running from one thing to the next like a chicken with her head cut off. Oh, but check out those shoes. She's totally got it together." "This girl cannot be my clinician. Like she's going to be able to teach me how to better communicate as my speech therapist? On second thought, those are some pretty sweet kicks. Maybe she really does know what she's doing." "I can't handle everything! It's all going to come crashing down! Today. Right now. But these brand new shoes I just got in the mail would look really pretty great with this outfit I'm wearing tomorrow. I think I might be able to take on another day after all." Point proven.

Money may not buy happiness, but it can buy shoes, and that's kind of the same thing. Just FYI, if you come accross a fun pair of black flip flops that won't dye the bottom of my feet, a pair of sturdy tennis shoes, or maybe a great pair of brown heals, let me know. I've been trying to keep my eye out for these, but looking around the blinders I put up whenever I get online or walk past a shoe store is proving the task difficult.

When it rains it pours. Sometimes pretty literally.

"What was that? A clean, put together, functional wall?" said Water Pipe. "Unheard of! I'll get right on that."

"squeak, clunk, fpt, shhhhhh, spraaaaay," continued Pipe.

"Bubble, bubble. Drip. Pop! Bigger bubble. Oooooze." said Wall gradually.

"Soak, soak, soak," said Wall's buddy, Backpack.

"Ahhhhh. agreed," relaxed Books and Planner.

"Oh boy!" exclaimed Carpet. "Oozy water down wall! I shall spread and disperse."

"Squishy-squish," was Feet's reply to Carpet.

"Poke," said Finger.

"Gurrgle," replied Water Bubble, who recently moved in with Wall.

"False!" called out Tools. "I will not condone such collaboration! I shant let you continue. I shall put a stop to this madness immediately!"

"Get cozy or move out," demanded Furniture to start with.

"rrrrrrip" said Carpet.

"WHOOOOOOOSH" was Fan's reply.

"Slice. Cut. Cut. Cut." Saw said to Wall.

"Eeee-er. ee-er. Fix, fix. Tighten." Wrench said to Pipe.

"WHOOOOOOOOSH" said Fan The Second to Wall's innards.

"WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOSH" screamed Fan and Fan the Second all day and all night and all day and all night.

"Scrape. Wipe. Patch." Plastor told Wall.

"Yaaaaaay!" partied Dust Bunnies.

"Stretch. Push. Squish." settled in Carpet.

"Left! Left! Left, right, left!" marched in Furniture.

"I'm watching you." Scolded Wall Paint.

Going through some pictures and I noticed something.

I've got a bunch of Calvins for nephews.

I'm a big girl.

Except for when it comes to shots or anything needle-esk. I've spent the past 15 years avoiding needles quite successfully. I've never taken anybody up on a flu shot, never donated blood, only had to have my blood drawn once about 8 years ago, and only had to have an IV once, also about 8 years ago, and I was in a bit of a state of delirium at that time, so it hardly even phased me that I had a permanent needle stuck in my hand. Aside from these times few and far between, I run at the site of any needle. I can't really explain this irrational fear. It's not like it hurts that bad. I'm tough enough to handle the bit of a sting they cause, but they just give me the heebie-jeebies. The only explanation I can give is that I'm afraid of needles like people are afraid of spiders. They're just...scary.

Since I'm a supposed grown up now, and I'm supposed to be doing grown up things like starting internships and working with a real clientele, I'm also supposed to have grown up immunizations in which I failed to get as a wee child. I warn all the people of the world now, that hepatitis shot, it'll catch ya if you don't watch out, but I figured since I'm a big girl, I can do big girl things, and I could handle a simple shot. No problemo.

Turns out? I was kidding myself. When it came right down to it, I experienced something of strange palpitations and awkward heart arrhythmia's, and I concluded I was quite nervous. My roommate, Aimee insisted on accompanying me, and frankly, I was quite relieved. The drive there involved wrong turns, wrongly remembered addresses, a couple panic attacks, and several attempts at chickening out. The talk with the receptionist involved her trying to trick me into getting more shots than I agreed to, and a large chunk of money out of my bank account for an experience I wanted nothing to do with to begin with. The walk into the needle room involved Aimee trying to tell me I will be fine, the nurse telling me she wasn't really a nurse (Great confidence booster), but that I could look at the cartoon pictures on the wall for a distraction (like that's going to make her more of a nurse?), and then ensuing some story about the San Diego aquarium and sharks and then *pop*, the sound of the needle opening, and that's about as far as I got with her story. Something involving Aimee noticing the sudden stricken look on my face along with the disappearance of color, and the extreme tension in my muscles as the needle and my skin were being prepped. Something about Aimee's voice saying, "Just relax. It's okay. Don't look at the needle! Just look at me."

Focus on Aimee. Can't take the suspenseful anticipation. It's coming any second. Focus on Aimee. "Nurse's" rambling story in the background. Ouch! Prick in the skin. Don't think about it! Don't think about it. Find a happy place. Oh my gosh there's a needle in my skin. Stop! You're thinking about it! Focus on Aimee. Will this ever end? Just breath. Breathing away. That's what I'm doing. Breathing in and out. Wait. Pretty sure "nurse" just asked me a question. Uuuuh, wasn't listening to a word she said. She smiled sympathetically and something involving I was done, and wasn't that harmless? Ha. Jokes.

The aftermath involved a bit of trauma, lingering soreness in the arm, an ice cream bar from Aimee for being so brave, a long nap in recovery, and several glances down at the Tweety-bird band aid covering what I swore was the gaping wound left behind. Some may argue I resembled something of a toddler showing off a 3 week old owie to anybody who will stand still long enough. They lie. Don't listen to them.

Nope, still don't do shots. It's not something I do. This time I don't have 15 years to recuperate. I've got a month. Jokes, so many jokes.

It's more than a drink, it's an experience.

Sleepy time tea, it will change your life. It will stimulate every one of your senses in such a pleasant, gentle manner while soothing your soul at the same time. The first warming sensation appears in the nose as you submerge the delicate tea packet into the steaming water. The subtle addition of mint in the gentle concoction immediately diffuses into the air and up your nose, resulting in a sense of tranquil serenity. As the delightful smell works its way through your olfactory system, your eyes will behold the seeping colors slowly oozing their way from the tea bag into the depths of the mug of water. As you leisurely swirl the tea bag through the water, the warm liquid will gradually grow darker with deeper and deeper color, drawing you ever so slightly into a deeper trance. Cupping the warm mug in your hands gives you a whole new sense of experience as a hot, tingly sensation will slowly spread first through your extremities and then gradually up through your arms and to your core. All of this leads up to the climax of the ultimate sipping of the beverage. The delicate hint of mint, the dollop of chamomile, and the slight trace of honey and other flavorful herbs make a blend of utmost pleasantry inside your mouth, soothing not only the taste buds, but the essence of the core being. As the swallowing mechanisms engage and the relaxing warm liquid is felt all the way to the belly of both body and soul, you will find yourself slipping ever more deeply into repose. It's quite the relaxing experience, and you may find yourself just peaceful enough for a restful evening of slumber. It's just what the doctor orders after a long day at work or school. Or at least what I order every night before bedtime.

The only problem is that sleepy time tea before bedtime turns into sleepy time pee-pee time tea amidst bed time. You give some, you take some.

First attempt at the whole "holding-the-camera-phone-in-front-of-you-to-take-the-picture-because-there's-nobody-else-around" picture. Pft. Pathetic. Only got 1/4 of my nightly tea mug.

Second attempt - still no mug, and a handle for a face.

So maybe the third time is almost the charm, but roommate Meridith was rapidly losing interest.