Aaand the gap between student and professor grows ever larger.

After 3 minutes of an empty water bottle and dying of thirst while studying, I decided it was about time to take a trip to the drinking fountain and fill up my water bottle. Amidst the filling process, I found myself in the middle of two professors hanging outside their offices, making some "small talk."

"I can't do that. I'm headed out next week," said Professor Aristocrat, feeling as though any other details were unnecessary.

"Where ya' goin'?" Said Professor Dignity, feeling as though it would be awkward to just walk away without inquiring.

"The UK," stated Professor Aristocrat factually, as if bored by the conversation and dull topic.

"Oh good," Professor Dignity replied flatly, as if he was talking to his Grandma who told him she got out and visited the neighbors yesterday, only with less enthusiasm.

"Yeah, I got invited to a thing in York..." said Professor Aristocrat, as if he commuted there every weekend.

That's when I finished filling up my water bottle and had to leave the vicinity of the conversation, but I'm sure the conversation ended with Professor Aristocrat saying something like this, "I just tossed that name out there like it's no big deal, because it's not. Mostly I just said that as vague and cryptic as possible to leave you wondering what earth shattering thing I've done that I would be invited to whatever it is I'm invited to. Have fun reading about me in the news next week. Bye bye now." 

I'll admit, I felt a little out of place--the lowly college student in the midst of hoity toity snooty professor world who would pee her pants if she found out she got invited to York for anything, and would have to give up a whole years pay just to go. Yet here I am getting worked up and excited about my trip to visit the "big city" an hour away and for signing a rental contract for the "super nice" condo I'm going to be living in for the next year. I mean, it does have all new appliances. Meanwhile these big kids don't even get excited for a trip out of the country, most likely for something really really honorary that they've accomplished. Here I am with small talk involving "Where are you from?" or "What are you studying?" or "When me grow up me teech people to talk good. Me going to be speech therapist. Speech pathologist if you getting fancy," or "Do you prefer bacon or sausage?" Pretty sure their small talk is bigger than my big talk. Yup, I just checked. I am worm. Let me just spill my water all over me since I'm not even capable to take a drink and screw the lid back on. Yeah, I'll just take my lowly self and my wet pants out of this highly superior presence back to my books around the corner and continue to stress about upcoming tests, but most currently about how my usual chair that I always sit in every day is taken, and about how I am supposed to concentrate sitting on this weird bench that's all the way on the other side of the room than what I'm normally used to. So please, just pardon me. No, actually, I'm pretty sure I was too lowly to even be noticed by them, let alone pardoned. I take it back.

"I am Michelle Nelson, and I can do hard things."

***Disclaimer: This is not one of my typical posts. I generally try to stay away from writing anything overly personal that exposes me too much, and mainly just stick to the silly, mundane, frequently meaningless things of life (i.e. tea, bangs, killing plants, clubs, shoes, cats, plastic containers, you get the point), but this one. This one is intensely personal. I don't write this to talk about "woe is me," or to show off and say look at me! Look what I did! But rather, I write this, and post it to articulate what I have gradually come to realize what I have learned, and to publicly express my love and gratitude that is all but bursting at my seems right now. I feel extremely vulnerable in posting this, and I'm a little scared to do so, thus please just be sensitive to my insecurities. In fact, you don't even have to feel obligated to comment in the tiny weensiest way. :) Now, let's carry on.

I can't say I've loved this past year. I can't even say I liked it. I surely can't say I would do it again if given the chance, and I definitely can't say I never considered giving up, dropping everything, and downright quitting. There were days where the only thing I could think about was putting one foot in front of the other. There were days where just getting out of bed was accomplishment enough. There were days where I found myself longing to get hit by a passing car on my way to school rather than face another day. There were days I found myself in a state of complete numbness, feeling absolutely nothing, just droning on and on, doing what I had to do, emotionless, entirely dull, entirely deadened. On the hand, there were countless nights I cried myself into a restless sleep, drenching my once white pillowcase with stains of mascara and smears of tears. I frequently found myself staring at the piles of books and things I had to do, responsibilities I had to face, tears streaming down my face, feeling utterly conquered, wondering if this is who I was now, and not liking it. Was I really as robotic and lifeless as I felt? Could I really not handle the simple tasks Heavenly Father had placed in front of me? Had I really lost the hope and knowledge I once had that I really could carry all that was on my plate? My life really wasn't that hard. It was pretty great, and yet I felt overwhelmed. I felt cracking pressure. I felt lost. I felt inadequate to the deepest level. I felt let down, by others as well as myself. I felt depressed. I felt the weight of the world bearing down on my shoulders, compressing me, suffocating me. I felt broken.

But the atonement is real.

Just by the sheer act of not giving up, and putting one foot in front of the other, I was showing faith, the only way in which I knew how. Unbeknownst to me, I was giving God something to work with--some level of forward motion for him to help me through, even if the only thing I could muster was the tiniest of shuffles. He was able to turn it into something significant as I felt the gradual helping and healing power of the atonement take its affect. My burden was never removed, or not even necessarily ever eased, but because I didn't quit, and because I kept moving forward, the Savior was able to mold me, and change me into somebody that could carry the burden. Looking back, all along the way, I may have been bearing my burden myself, but Jesus Christ was bearing me up. I was being held all along as I carried on with such a heavy heart so much of the time, but being blessed all along with tender mercies poured all along my path. Although they did not lighten my load, they made me just ever so slightly strong enough that I could bear everything else and keep moving forward, allowing Christ to continue to change me into the person he needs me to be.

Despite my feelings of being conquered and overcome, and my feelings of sheer despair and insufficiency, I also felt the sense of being inundated with love, and watched my life become enriched with the fullness of some of the greatest blessings I have ever experienced. All those days in which all I could see was the gloom and rain of the world drowning me were really the down pouring of blessings gone unrecognized. People all along my way lifted me up, encouraged me, whether they knew it or not. Lifelong friendships were established who literally and figuratively saved me throughout the year. My path was paved time and time again, guiding me in the right direction, and as I ventured out with trembling nerves with the intention to make a difference and change the lives of those I work with, I have found that in reality, they are the ones that have changed mine. My life has been impacted by the sincerity, sweetness, and genuine-ness of the souls harbored and trapped in disabled bodies I was blessed to interact with, along with the love, devotion, and earnestness of their caregivers in ways in which words cannot describe. Without knowing, they have supported me, pushed me, produced me with motivation, given me purpose to carry on, and have changed me for the better in ways that I could not have been changed any other way. 

It may have been a rough year, but so much good has sprouted from it as well, and although I would not do it all over again given the chance, I would neither exchange my experiences I've had for anything. My dad once told me, "I have never looked back at school and said 'That was fun'. There were fun moments.... Some of the friends made and experiences enjoyed and/or endured were precious or instructive beyond measure. It was a unique time when we could do things next to impossible now. But fun...... Look for those moments. They are precious." At the time I thought he was crazy. I couldn't understand how the pressure I felt could be viewed in such a way, but I think I get it now.

Although I can't say I look on the past year with joy, delight, and bliss, I can say it was one of the richest times of my life, where I felt stretched and have grown in leaps and bounds as I witnessed the love my Father in Heaven has for me as well as for even the lowliest of his children. Through the thick and the thin, he was constant. He was there. Although I cannot say I know what's in store in the coming years, I do know that there will be challenges, many of which even harder, bigger, and quite frankly, better, and I can say that I will be able to come out conqueror through those as well, hopefully as a bigger person than going in, because, as my mom has known all too well and tried to drill into me from the time I was 12, "I am Michelle Nelson, and I can do hard things."

April Showers Bring May Flowers

#1: It's not supposed to "drip, drip, drop" inside.
#2: There are no flowers in my room to begin with.
#3: It's not April.
#4: Please. Stop. Leaking.

This:

versus this:

Flowers from April showers:

Versus ruined textbook from in home May leakages:

There is a difference.

Everything I Know I Learned in Grad School

1. The snooze button can indeed be pushed any number of times with relatively minor consequences, or at least consequences that can be negotiated in such a way that the results outweigh the consequences in the first few dreary moments of interrupted sleep. Who needs a long hot shower? In fact, who needs a shower at all? Blow drying your hair is overrated. Make-up? Optional. I ate a late dinner last night. I don't really need breakfast this morning. Class never starts on time anyway...
2. What can be done today can also be done tomorrow. Or not at all in some cases.
3. In all reality, you're actually usually doing "it" at the precise moment you are telling yourself you can't.
4. The fece draft is always going to be going in the wrong direction, undergo several changes of topic, or is just going to need to be re-written all together, so you might as well not write one at all.
5. Anything can be turned into a joke really. Nobody else may find it funny at all, but you will. Pedunculated fruit snacks. What did one saw tooth wave say to the other....aaaaaaaaaahhh. Mongolian throat singing. You don't even know what I'm talking about. I'm cracking up over here.
6. There is no problem too large that a little nap can't fix. Or a long one. Or antidepressants.
7. Complaining may never have gotten anybody anywhere, but it sure can be validating.
8. If you expect the unexpected, than it's no surprise, and you won't be nearly as Hulk-like angry when everything goes ka-put.
9. Time is not money. Time is sanity.
10. If by "zombie apocalypse" you mean a cohort of insane, sleep deprived, stressed, personality stripped, friendless, socially awkward grad students, then yes, prepare yourself for zombies.
11. The movie I, Robot is totally unrealistic. Robots or any other technology will never run the world because, despite what you may think, they will never work out "the last" hiccup.
12. It doesn't matter what your mom says. You can indeed live on cereal. Well, she might be a little right. Sometimes you do run out of milk.
13. 85% of success is just showing up.
14. Online shopping may not necessarily be cheaper than therapy, but it frees up that time.
15. Wherever you go, wherever you are, always, always, always find the super genius computer savvy guru guy and make friends. I guarantee you, He'll come in handy. See #11.
16. It doesn't matter how close in proximity you are, cars exist for a reason.
17. I don't care how important the words "continuum" or "multifactorial" are, or what meaning they carry in whatever contexts. It's all just semantics anyway.
18. A little trashy TV watched in all secrecy can go a long way...cough, cough...bachelor/bachelorette...what?
19. When all else fails, hard candies will keep you awake...some of the time.
20. Don't be so hard on yourself, put out fires where you can, and give credit where credit is due. (Should that be 3 bullets? Eh, whatever.)
21. Just because somebody is the most genius person that has walked the face of the planet since Einstein doesn't mean she is going to make any sense to you. In fact, quite the opposite. In my diligent research (See #1, 2, 4, 6, 7, 8, 11, 19) I have found that the level of genius and the level of saliency and clarity are not as direct as one might think. In fact, they have as indirect of a relationship as you could ever possibly find. Ever.
22. "If a problem can be solved, there's no use worrying about it. If it can't be solved, then worrying will do no good." I may not have actually completely "learned" this yet, but it's a work in progress, and it makes you feel all warm and fuzzy inside. It's okay. Do as I say, not as I do. Whatever. I'm working on it.
23. There is extremely great power in two simple letters. N-O. When combined, they can all but run the world. Well, except for maybe when it comes to professors. Especially the ones of the genius type (see #20). In fact, it kind of means, well, pretty much nothing in such a scenario. The O turns into a 0, which cancels out the N, thus, it carries no meaning. That's when I learn to just smile and nod as though I understand, and still not really do it in the end.
Example: (if there's one thing I've learned, examples always build your case. Don't know the answer? Make up an example, ramble on about it, and make it fit as many principles as possible and you're bound to be at least semi-right somewhere along the line)
Professor: This 67 page long article fits exactly what we're talking about. Have it read by next class period.
Student: I don't see the correlation. I don't even know what we're talking about. Whatever. Just add it to the list.
2 weeks later and only halfway through the list...
Student: still haven't read the article. It's okay. Just don't worry about it. See #13 and #20.
24. You are in charge of your own education. Take control. Be an advocate for yourself.
25. Falling asleep in class, although not encouraged, really doesn't have much in the way of super terrible, horrible, move to Australia type resulting repercussions.
26. Putting one foot in front of the other really can take you quite a distance.
27. "Me time." It's kind of important. If you don't spend time with any given friend, then you gradually start to lose that friendship. Just like any friend, if you don't spend quality time with yourself, you will also gradually start to lose that friendship as well.
28. Not knowing when to use affect versus effect really is okay. If I've made it through a master's program still using them wrong in every paper I write, then I'd say there are bigger things to worry about, such as the affect (also known as emotion), or lack thereof, being demonstrated in so many of the delayed and disabled children of the world, along with their other countless problems, both visible and below the surface, and the help that they are silently pleading for that they are not getting. And world peace.
29. Bob Marley is a genius (but not of the #20 type) and a soothsayer and truth-sayer when he said "every little thing is going to be alright." It's a great theme song for life.
30. Once a perfectionist, always a perfectionist. I can't just leave the list at 29. I've got to have an even 30.

Faded Periphery

Target found. Zeroing in. Everything else fades away. Nothing else matters. Locked in. Nothing can stop you. Nothing will keep you from from that apple of your eye. You hear vague cheers, encouragement, and comments yelled, all mushed together, somewhere in the background. You can't really make it out, but you know it's for you, and you know people are counting on you.  You push hard and give it all you've got as the adrenaline kicks in. You make some super sweet moves, and bask in some pretty perfect successes, and you kind of feel on top of the world. Still locked on that target. No one will get in your way, and those that do find themselves face planted to the ground, crushed as if they were a fly, left in the dust, or better yet, left as dust in a surprised blunder. There is nothing that can be done as that magnetic pull draws you ever more connected. Nothing quite like it.

Sometimes not so much.

Sometimes you lose the target. Completely. Like you can't make anything right, you can't do anything right. Sometimes you get a leetle tired and have to take a leetle bit of a slower pace. You make some pretty dumb mistakes. You feel like a fool. You let people down. You embarrass yourself, and it can really hurt. Literally. Sometimes you fall, flat on your bum, arms and legs flailing. Not really of the graceful type.  You get banged up a bit every time, but sometimes you get really banged up. You might get a little body-checked. Or you might do a little yourself. You might experience a bruised elbow, a bit of a burn, a swollen knuckle, a would be added appendage, a bloody lip, a pinched nerve, a busted nose, I've seen it all, but none of that matters. You have two choices, but one of them isn't an option, so you get up, rub some dirt in it, bandage up, and lock in on that target again, aiming for that adrenaline height, and attempt to make your team proud.

Either way, whether you "have it" or not at any given time, and no matter how beat up you get, you always heal and the enchantment of the game always perseveres. Whether you only bring yourself to the table, or elicit a whole group of cronies to the team, whether you are old or young, fat or small, married or single, hipster, jock, or regular girl like me, come one, come all. This is not for the timid though, so gird up your loins. It's game time.

The Pyramid Scheme

 

 

                                  Peer mentoring of 1st year grad students.              The male species.
                 Slight flooding of my room
                                        School: 9 credit hours in 8 weeks, thesis, clients Monday through Thursday.
                                                                                                                                                                           Vertigo.                                            
 Called to the Relief Society presidency. 
                          Thesis topic changed, yet again. Back to ground 0.

Add just one thing to the mix above, and suddenly, you get this:

                                              Vertigo.
                                       The male species.
                               Slight flooding of my room
                    Called to the Relief Society presidency.
                   Peer mentoring of 1st year grad students.
            Thesis topic changed, yet again. Back to ground 0
 9 credit hours in 8 weeks, thesis, clients Monday through Thursday.
SHOES SHOES SHOES SHOES SHOES SHOES SHOES SHOES SHOES SHOES

*sigh of relaxation* Now that's much more managable.

 

How am I supposed to stand strong without a good pair of shoes on my feet? How is my pyramid supposed to stay sturdy without a good foundation? It won't if I'm not wearing shoes. I'd say shoes are a good foundation. They turn the craziness, the uneasiness, the out of control into the neatness above.

This, my friends, is the most balanced equation (wo)man has ever known:

• 1 pair of wedges + 1 pair of boots + 1 pair of flip flops + 2 pairs of flats + 1 pair of high heals + 1 pair of boat shoes + 1 pair of slippers + 1 pair of rip off Toms + an 8 month span = survival + the illusion of being seemingly put together and in control

"Look at that girl flailing around running from one thing to the next like a chicken with her head cut off. Oh, but check out those shoes. She's totally got it together." "This girl cannot be my clinician. Like she's going to be able to teach me how to better communicate as my speech therapist? On second thought, those are some pretty sweet kicks. Maybe she really does know what she's doing." "I can't handle everything! It's all going to come crashing down! Today. Right now. But these brand new shoes I just got in the mail would look really pretty great with this outfit I'm wearing tomorrow. I think I might be able to take on another day after all." Point proven.

Money may not buy happiness, but it can buy shoes, and that's kind of the same thing. Just FYI, if you come accross a fun pair of black flip flops that won't dye the bottom of my feet, a pair of sturdy tennis shoes, or maybe a great pair of brown heals, let me know. I've been trying to keep my eye out for these, but looking around the blinders I put up whenever I get online or walk past a shoe store is proving the task difficult.

When it rains it pours. Sometimes pretty literally.

"What was that? A clean, put together, functional wall?" said Water Pipe. "Unheard of! I'll get right on that."

"squeak, clunk, fpt, shhhhhh, spraaaaay," continued Pipe.

"Bubble, bubble. Drip. Pop! Bigger bubble. Oooooze." said Wall gradually.

"Soak, soak, soak," said Wall's buddy, Backpack.

"Ahhhhh. agreed," relaxed Books and Planner.

"Oh boy!" exclaimed Carpet. "Oozy water down wall! I shall spread and disperse."

"Squishy-squish," was Feet's reply to Carpet.

"Poke," said Finger.

"Gurrgle," replied Water Bubble, who recently moved in with Wall.

"False!" called out Tools. "I will not condone such collaboration! I shant let you continue. I shall put a stop to this madness immediately!"

"Get cozy or move out," demanded Furniture to start with.

"rrrrrrip" said Carpet.

"WHOOOOOOOSH" was Fan's reply.

"Slice. Cut. Cut. Cut." Saw said to Wall.

"Eeee-er. ee-er. Fix, fix. Tighten." Wrench said to Pipe.

"WHOOOOOOOOSH" said Fan The Second to Wall's innards.

"WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOSH" screamed Fan and Fan the Second all day and all night and all day and all night.

"Scrape. Wipe. Patch." Plastor told Wall.

"Yaaaaaay!" partied Dust Bunnies.

"Stretch. Push. Squish." settled in Carpet.

"Left! Left! Left, right, left!" marched in Furniture.

"I'm watching you." Scolded Wall Paint.