Everything I Know I Learned in Grad School

1. The snooze button can indeed be pushed any number of times with relatively minor consequences, or at least consequences that can be negotiated in such a way that the results outweigh the consequences in the first few dreary moments of interrupted sleep. Who needs a long hot shower? In fact, who needs a shower at all? Blow drying your hair is overrated. Make-up? Optional. I ate a late dinner last night. I don't really need breakfast this morning. Class never starts on time anyway...
2. What can be done today can also be done tomorrow. Or not at all in some cases.
3. In all reality, you're actually usually doing "it" at the precise moment you are telling yourself you can't.
4. The fece draft is always going to be going in the wrong direction, undergo several changes of topic, or is just going to need to be re-written all together, so you might as well not write one at all.
5. Anything can be turned into a joke really. Nobody else may find it funny at all, but you will. Pedunculated fruit snacks. What did one saw tooth wave say to the other....aaaaaaaaaahhh. Mongolian throat singing. You don't even know what I'm talking about. I'm cracking up over here.
6. There is no problem too large that a little nap can't fix. Or a long one. Or antidepressants.
7. Complaining may never have gotten anybody anywhere, but it sure can be validating.
8. If you expect the unexpected, than it's no surprise, and you won't be nearly as Hulk-like angry when everything goes ka-put.
9. Time is not money. Time is sanity.
10. If by "zombie apocalypse" you mean a cohort of insane, sleep deprived, stressed, personality stripped, friendless, socially awkward grad students, then yes, prepare yourself for zombies.
11. The movie I, Robot is totally unrealistic. Robots or any other technology will never run the world because, despite what you may think, they will never work out "the last" hiccup.
12. It doesn't matter what your mom says. You can indeed live on cereal. Well, she might be a little right. Sometimes you do run out of milk.
13. 85% of success is just showing up.
14. Online shopping may not necessarily be cheaper than therapy, but it frees up that time.
15. Wherever you go, wherever you are, always, always, always find the super genius computer savvy guru guy and make friends. I guarantee you, He'll come in handy. See #11.
16. It doesn't matter how close in proximity you are, cars exist for a reason.
17. I don't care how important the words "continuum" or "multifactorial" are, or what meaning they carry in whatever contexts. It's all just semantics anyway.
18. A little trashy TV watched in all secrecy can go a long way...cough, cough...bachelor/bachelorette...what?
19. When all else fails, hard candies will keep you awake...some of the time.
20. Don't be so hard on yourself, put out fires where you can, and give credit where credit is due. (Should that be 3 bullets? Eh, whatever.)
21. Just because somebody is the most genius person that has walked the face of the planet since Einstein doesn't mean she is going to make any sense to you. In fact, quite the opposite. In my diligent research (See #1, 2, 4, 6, 7, 8, 11, 19) I have found that the level of genius and the level of saliency and clarity are not as direct as one might think. In fact, they have as indirect of a relationship as you could ever possibly find. Ever.
22. "If a problem can be solved, there's no use worrying about it. If it can't be solved, then worrying will do no good." I may not have actually completely "learned" this yet, but it's a work in progress, and it makes you feel all warm and fuzzy inside. It's okay. Do as I say, not as I do. Whatever. I'm working on it.
23. There is extremely great power in two simple letters. N-O. When combined, they can all but run the world. Well, except for maybe when it comes to professors. Especially the ones of the genius type (see #20). In fact, it kind of means, well, pretty much nothing in such a scenario. The O turns into a 0, which cancels out the N, thus, it carries no meaning. That's when I learn to just smile and nod as though I understand, and still not really do it in the end.
Example: (if there's one thing I've learned, examples always build your case. Don't know the answer? Make up an example, ramble on about it, and make it fit as many principles as possible and you're bound to be at least semi-right somewhere along the line)
Professor: This 67 page long article fits exactly what we're talking about. Have it read by next class period.
Student: I don't see the correlation. I don't even know what we're talking about. Whatever. Just add it to the list.
2 weeks later and only halfway through the list...
Student: still haven't read the article. It's okay. Just don't worry about it. See #13 and #20.
24. You are in charge of your own education. Take control. Be an advocate for yourself.
25. Falling asleep in class, although not encouraged, really doesn't have much in the way of super terrible, horrible, move to Australia type resulting repercussions.
26. Putting one foot in front of the other really can take you quite a distance.
27. "Me time." It's kind of important. If you don't spend time with any given friend, then you gradually start to lose that friendship. Just like any friend, if you don't spend quality time with yourself, you will also gradually start to lose that friendship as well.
28. Not knowing when to use affect versus effect really is okay. If I've made it through a master's program still using them wrong in every paper I write, then I'd say there are bigger things to worry about, such as the affect (also known as emotion), or lack thereof, being demonstrated in so many of the delayed and disabled children of the world, along with their other countless problems, both visible and below the surface, and the help that they are silently pleading for that they are not getting. And world peace.
29. Bob Marley is a genius (but not of the #20 type) and a soothsayer and truth-sayer when he said "every little thing is going to be alright." It's a great theme song for life.
30. Once a perfectionist, always a perfectionist. I can't just leave the list at 29. I've got to have an even 30.