Peein in a cup.

I had to get a drug screen today. Drug screens frequently require peeing in a cup. I had to pee in a cup today. No big deal, I've peed in cups before, but none of which ever occurred quite like it did today. After filling out some paperwork I didn't really know how to fill out, and then after waiting in the waiting room for a while, a young man no older than myself comes out and calls my name. I'm next. I felt real happy my peer is going to be holding my pee in his hands. Here ya' go! It's really fresh. It's got a nice little yellow tint. It's kind of warm. Knock yourself out with that. After playing it through in my head, I decide it's going to be a real ego-boosting experience.
 
He takes me back to a special room lined with little bity bathrooms on one side, and a long counter with sinks on the other side. It has a very sterile feel. The guy proceeds to act incredibly strange and uncomfortably awkward. He holds up a cup, with stuttered instructions to "fill it up to about here" as he points to a line. No further instructions. He spoke hesitantly, as if embarrassed. I wanted to ask him what I was supposed to fill it up with, but I decided I would spare him the embarrassment and started to walk toward the indicated bathroom as he says, "Just go in there aaaand uuuh...do your thing." Do my thing? Really? Come on, just say it. It's not that hard of a word. Pee, urinate, micturate, tinkle, take a leak, there are endless ways to put it. Pick one.
 
I walk into the bathroom, and "do my thing", barely able to fill the cup to the line and wondering what would happen if I dropped the cup or kicked it over on accident. Deciding that wouldn't end very well, I determined to be careful. Distracted by the fact that there was no flusher to take away the toilet paper, I go out to give the guy my pee-in-a-cup and ask how to flush the toilet. As I open the door and ask if I'm not supposed to flush the toilet, the door starts to swing closed, hitting my outstretched hand in the process, knocking the cup to the floor, distributing my pee all over the little office space. Oops. Not so sanitary anymore.
 
I kind of freak out a little bit, and I apologize over and over again while he's just staring at the mess with his jaw dropped to the floor a little bit. Both of us a bit unsure of what to do, I continue to apologize incessantly and pick up the cup. There is a bit of drizzle left in it, and he informs me that it won't be enough. Go figure. Unsure of what to tell me or what to do with me, the guy starts to put on gloves as he tells me to wash my hands and bends down to clean it up. Mortified, I tell him to stop and I will clean it up. It's disgusting. He tells me it's okay, and continues to just kind of stare at the whole situation. He humms and ahhhs a little while until he informs me that this has only happened once before, and it was his fault at that. Feeling incredibly uncomfortable and since he won't let me clean it up, I apologize again and ask if I could come back in a little while and try again. With both of us relieved to get me out of there, he agrees and dismisses me.
 
By the time I get out to my car I can't stop laughing. I'm a spazz, it's cool. I down 5 cups of water in 5-10 minutes. Forty minutes later, I feel the need to urinate once again, and I sheepishly and hysterically make my way back. Apparently all he needed was to clean up some pee for his day to break the ice, because when I returned, he was suddenly all jokes and conversation. I know, my bodily excrement is very becoming. Knowing this time that the toilets don't actually flush from the inside, I'm able to successfully make it through the process without distraction or spillage. Despite the fact that we both know that he will forever think of me as that girl whose pee he once cleaned up, he politely calls out to me as I'm leaving, "See ya' later." Really though, let's be honest, hopefully not.